Hell and humiliation…

Hell hath no fury…?

It has been mooted that one of the reasons people alienate their kids from the other parent is that the alienator has been scorned – rejected for another woman/man. However, our survey results do not support this claim. Many of our alienated parents were the ones scorned…

Nevertheless, alienators are angry. So angry that they hate you more than they love their own child. Their need is to hurt you. They want to cause you pain. And what better way than to alienate you from the one person you love most in the world?

But what kind of emotion is required for a parent to hate their child’s other parent so much? I read recently that the most powerful of all the emotions is humiliation. But we are, demonstrably, not talking about the humiliation of rejection in favour of another woman/man. I think that what we are talking about is the alienating parent punishing the child and you because the child always preferred you to the alienator. Yes, they’re jealous, but not of you and another adult – of you and your child.

I came to this conclusion whilst talking to another alienated parent. He was always the preferred parent. To the alienator, unstable and insecure themselves, this is a profound rejection and simply confirms that they are not worthy of love – what they always suspected. One alienator put it like this: “My mother told me once ‘I’m sorry but I always preferred your sister to you’”. This alienator was herself mangled psychologically by her mother. Little wonder that she should lash out as soon as that rejection is confirmed, yet again, this time by her own child. (Additionally, albeit parenthetically, this alienator was also alienated from her father.  Which is why she made such an effective alienator herself – she was taught the ropes…)

So, the idea that alienation is a “trans-generational mutagen” seems persuasive. Any thoughts?


2 thoughts on “Hell and humiliation…

  1. You have hit an important nail on the head here! Alienating parents and the entire Family Court system routinely stoke my ire by suggesting or accusing the parent who has been alienated of having shortcomings that have contributed significantly to that outcome. Tosh! If the parent who has been alienated has contributed significantly to that outcome, they have probably done so by being a well-rounded normal-range parent! They probably stepped up to the plate and upped their game in this area to make up for the shortfall in parenting empathy exhibited by the child’s other parent. The closeness of that bond inadvertently, by comparison with their own, exposed an unacceptable truth, the missing part of them. An uncomfortable realization of inadequacy for which the best fix (in their minds) is to destroy that bond forever by alienating child and its normal-range parent.


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